So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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