What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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