...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
