just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
