How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
