Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
