It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
