I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize