It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
