I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize