Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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