Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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