I'm lost and stupid without you.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
