I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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