Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
