genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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