I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
