Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
