I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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