Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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