My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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