Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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