I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
