Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
