between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
