I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
