I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
