Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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