dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
