I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
