good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I think my moral compass just broke
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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