One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
