I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
