a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
