then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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