It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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