explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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