At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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