recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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