i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
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