Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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