you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
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