ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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