I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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