the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
