I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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