I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
