Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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