I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
