Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Terrible idea I love it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
