You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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