If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
