I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
