Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
