There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
