Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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