She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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