You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
