I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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