I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
