So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
