Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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