No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Pants are for mortals
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
